Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Jobs that Are More Suitable for Sarah Palin than Running for Political Office

Uh, huh, kidding. Can I have my gun back now?
Sarah Palin, 2008 Vice Presidential candidate and former governor of Alaska may be in a bit over her gun slinging, vocabularly abusing head as she plans to make a bid for office in the 2012 Presidential Election.

We've come up with a list of jobs that we believe are more suited to Sarah Palin and her talents that she has displayed in the media.
A Rodeo Clown

Run Forrest, Run.

With her ability to cause a distraction and avoid the important questions, we think that Sarah Palin would make a perfect rodeo clown. Used to getting dirty and putting on a lot of makeup, Sarah may find that this job is easier than the political circus she tries to be an intelligent member of.

A Walmart Greeter

Welcome to Walmart, How may I insult you?

Although Sarah Palin has all of her teeth, her smiling personality makes her perfect for a job as a Walmart Greeter. She might even prosper as a floater in the store, managing the sport and fishing department when she has some spare time.
"Welcome to Walmart" sounds much better in her annoying voice than "Welcome to the Whitehouse".

Clue Writer for Trivial Pursuit

Trivial Pursuit is always looking for a few good Know-It-Alls to help create further editions of their popular board game. Don't misunderestimate Sarah Palin here. She's all wee-wee'd up and will refudiate any of the naysayers.

Alaskan Tour Guide

This thing F-ing smells.

We all know that she loves Alaska, although she may have to be reminded that it is North of the 48 contiguous United States and not down by the equator. She can fish, hunt and look good in a uniform. Stay in Alaska, we say, the tourism industry needs you.

Other jobs that made our honorable mention list include a replacement for Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune, a boat anchor, A Talk Show Host, a Ballot Counter in Dade County, Florida and a Geography Teacher.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it. We are working hard and our boss only pays us in marshmallow circus peanuts until we begin to perform well.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Merry Christmas

You know you might be a crazy cat lady when:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Running Out of Christmas Gift Ideas?

With only a few more shopping days left until Christmas, you might find yourself running around town trying to find the right gifts for your loved ones. Look no further. The perfect gifts are available with the click of a button through Ebay. Here's a few gift ideas for your hard to please relatives.

Grandma is always wearing jewelry, right? Why not pick her out something that will match with her newest Christmas sweater and go with the green beetle brooch, available for only $25 bucks and includes free shipping.

Nothing says "I Love You Gram" like a dead, fossilized bug with a pin glued to its ass.

Next on our list is the all important teacher gift. Forget buying your child's teacher a silly, practical old gift card. Go for something unique and different like the "ghost" shell found off the coast of Cape Cod over the summer.

The seller points out that there is a hole on the top and the shell can be strung and worn like a necklace. Friends convinced him to sell the shell on Ebay because it was so interesting.

If you win the bid, total cost will be around 5 bucks and that includes expedited shipping just in time for Christmas.

Teachers love weird gifts and your child will stand out among their peers with such a thoughtful, nature inspired gift.

Not sure what to buy for your sister this year? Why not a beautiful pair of genuine moose poop earrings. Moose poop jewelry is very popular this year and this pair of earrings is on sale at a buy it now price of 10.99.

The buyer assures us that there is definitely no smell and that there is little else to do in Maine in the winter than collect moose poop and polyurethane it.

Love you, sis!

Along the same vein is another totally practical gift we found while perusing Ebay. Perfect for your boss is the "maybe it's a paperweight" solidified turtle poop. For only 16.99 plus shipping you can buy your boss a unique piece of poop that is in the shape of a poodle. How cool is that?

*Note to buyers: There is plenty of turtle poop to go around on Ebay for all those interested in buying someone a pice of poop for Christmas.

Still at a loss for what to buy your special someone?

Has your girlfriend hinted that she wants a "rock" to solidify your relationship? One seller on Ebay has just the solution for you, it's the heart shaped rock that is so beautiful and made of genuine, well, rock.

Weighing in at 12 ounces, and about four inches tall, this rock can be yours for only $15 at the buy it now price. With free shipping, this gift might just rock your girlfriend's world.

Christmas, it's the most wonderful time of the year, now get off of Facebook and head on over to Ebay to start shopping!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Harry Potter?

Teacher reported having to convince his middle school students that this is NOT a picture of Harry Potter.
For those of you who need convincing too, it's John Lennon.

Ebay Auction: When a Buyer Backs Out

From a random discussion board I frequent:

"First of all, I am not claiming to have invented this trick. I imagine others have used it with varying degrees of success. I also want to point out that nothing here is embellished or exaggerated.

I had tickets to a sporting event and couldn't attend. I made a 1-day listing and clearly stated that the tickets must be picked up in person within 24 hours (the game was the evening after the auction ended, so there wasn't any time to ship the tickets). A woman won the auction for about $600. The auction had ended at 10:00am and by 5:00pm she still hadn't responded to my emails trying to organize the exchange. Finally, at 9:30pm, I got a one-liner email: "I overbid and my husband won't let me buy these. Sorry and enjoy the game! :)"

I first tried explaining that I wouldn't have the time to resell the tickets (I already got turned down by the losing bidders). She said, "... that's not my problem. It's eBay, not a car dealership. I can back out if I want." I still don't understand the car dealership reference.

I was pretty upset. I was basically going to be stuck with tickets to an event that I couldn't attend. That's when I got the idea to convince her to change her mind.

I created a new eBay account, "Payback" we'll call it, and sent her a message: "Hi there, I noticed you won an auction for 4 [sporting event] tickets. I meant to bid on these but couldn't get to a computer. I wanted to take my son and dad and would be willing to give you $1,000 for the tickets. I imagine that you've already made plans to attend, but I figured it was worth a shot."

At 11:30pm she responded to Payback: "I'll do it for $1,100, no less. I can meet you at the game if you agree. I need your phone number."

At 11:35pm, Payback wrote: "Deal. Here is my number..." (Thanks Google Voice for the throwaway number). She called a few minutes later and made Payback "promise" to go through with the deal. She emphasized that she'd be out a lot of money if Payback backed out. Payback swore he would never do such a thing.

At 11:45pm, the woman emailed me: "Fine. I'll buy them. But you have to drop them off at my house tonight. I'll have the cash ready." So at fucking midnight I drove to her house across town and met her on the road in front of her apartment building. She was a nasty and rude individual. Things didn't get any better when I told her I wanted an extra $20 for the trouble of driving there at midnight (yeah, pushing my luck, I know). It became very awkward and she literally threw 31 $20 bills at me. I counted them before handing over the tickets. I said, "thanks for the great transaction" as she flipped me off while walking away.

At 10:00am she called Payback to make sure they were still on for the exchange. Payback said that he could no longer go to the game and wouldn't be able to do the exchange. She blew her fucking top and I swear to god started speaking in tongues. Payback said, "Ma'am, this is eBay, not a car dealership" and hung up.

I got a rabid email 10 minutes later telling me that I was going to hell and that she's reported me to the local police, FBI, and... the fire department. WTF?

I never heard another word from her. I have no idea if she went to the game or not.

Was this wrong?

EDIT: The Rabid Email

"Fuxking funny fucker! You know you can go to JAIL for this. YOu theef!!!!! [City] cops FBI fire and government already no. Your done. I got your number and your name. This is thefting property FUCKER!!! Give my $620 back or everything bad wiil happen - FUCK!!!!! You cant steal and get away. Refund me now or else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You dpnt want a lawsuit. Trust me. u dont. You can have tickets jut give my my money and be done."

That's the bulk of the email, word for word. There was more at the end too. She must have pressed 'enter' 30 times and wrote "FUCK" and the another 30 times and wrote "HELL". Then she wrote her name which was strange. "

A Collection of Redneck Christmas Trees